Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke

I studied in a convent, dahrlings, where I acquired some of my most useful skills. The nuns did their best to teach a bunch of horny hormonal school girls about Jesus, but I must have missed the part where he preaches that powerful men are much more valuable than abused children. Which gospel is that in? 1. Pedophilia 4:10. Probably comes right after the Corinthians.

Call me naïve, Pumpkins, but I always thought that on some level the church believed what it preached. With recent revelations, the curtain has been pulled back on the Wizard of God to expose an organization whose main concern is for its own survival. The Lehman Brothers of the spiritual world. Trading in false hope and duplicity.

I’ll go back to howling at trees and marveling at the wonder of an ocean tide. Speaking of which, perhaps travel agents should take over the whole peace on earth and goodwill business. We know how to listen. We give people hope. Send them to paradise. And they return feeling refreshed and absolved of their sins. More importantly, we transport children to play pools and sand castles. And everybody drinks Coca-Cola. Amen.

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